It’s been a minute. Actually, it’s been a lot of minutes. I’ve been going through a season of life lately, that has left me uninspired to do just about everything. It’s anxiety, it’s life, it’s a bunch of things that have left me feeling hollow, empty, and alone. Instead of thriving on it, and growing from it, I’ve let it consume me. It’s affected pretty much every single aspect of my life, and I’ve spent the last three months with this pit of guilt and dread looming in the bottom of my stomach no matter where I was, what I was doing, and who I was around. I haven’t been sleeping, I’ve been overeating and I’ve felt lost. (Though, I didn’t look like it)
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, life was still happening while I felt like this.
I still had to get up and go to work. I still had to be present with taking care of my dogs and my husband. I still had to get dressed. I still had to survive. I wasn’t doing great at any of it, but it was happening. (I mean like, people at work were seeing me cry way more than they should have been…)
So, what has life been since July? Where’s life going after today? What the heck is wrong with you Jen? Buckle up for the life update you never knew you needed.
First, let’s loop back on: life has been hard. Like, exponentially harder than it’s ever been before. I’ve hit rock bottom in most parts of my life, and I’ve sulked down there, grasping at anything to make me feel normal. I’d like to say that it’s just anxiety, but I don’t think that’s it anymore. I don’t want to categorize myself as “having depression”, but I feel like seasonal depression is real and evident, and as I’m leaving spring and summer, the doom and gloom has set in. Also though, this feeling of “empty” has been here through the summer, so maybe it’s not just seasonal, maybe I’m just a little bit lost and it’s consumed the happiness I had. Anxiety makes me feel like I’m crazy, have fourteen different kinds of diseases, controls my head and makes me think things are worse than they are. This isn’t always how I felt. Sometimes, I didn’t even feel. It’s important to recognize though, that it’s okay to not be okay, and I’ve said it so. many. times. before, but it’s true. I have a physical on Thursday (happy birthday to me), this will definitely be a topic of conversation.
I think it’s a common question as to why I’m so open with this on the internet. Especially since so many people in my life have access to this platform and have the ability to comment or make judgements on the choices I make, or the things that I share. I’ve said it since day one, and i’ll reiterate it here: There are enough people who need to see the things I go through, the things that I share, the person that I am, so that they know they’re not alone. That’s enough for me.
They say rough seas build a skilled sailor, and I’m about fourteen seconds away from being the world’s best captain. Recently, it’s been more of like, the captain of the Titanic POST iceberg, but you know, a captain nonetheless. (Did the captain die in Titanic? Because maybe I’m not trying to use that analogy) Life at home has been just as rough as every other part of my life.
I almost completely disregarded the fact that I had a husband, and spent three months with this wall up not letting anyone in, including him. I’m being extremely transparent here, because I have to be for my own sake, like I acted like I was completely alone in this world. Some days, I didn’t even speak to him or let him touch me. I didn’t want to be in my house, in my body, in my skin, and I let it affect my world around me.
Also, at home, the dogs have become these two terrors. Like, they’re really bad. They have been regressing on their potty training, their biting, their barking and I am at my wits end. They say that Shih Tzus are the hardest breeds to train, because they’re so smart and they know what they’re doing when they don’t listen. I hope they realize that military school is going to be very NOT FUN for them, and that if they poop underneath my bed one. more. time. they’re going to be out on the streets.
At the end of the day though, I still love those two girls more than life itself.
Lets make the move from children with fur, to humans. I am not pregnant. I am being selfish. I like being selfish. I will not be pregnant in 2018. Not in 2019. And possibly not in 2020. When Dylan and I got married, I was convinced that my marriage would be by 23 and children would be by 25. Marriage was at 25, and I thought okay, lets get this ball rolling. Then, we didn’t. We traveled, we moved, we lived for ourselves. Shit, that is the best feeling in the world. I want to be selfish, and I will continue to be. I want to see the world, see my bank account grow, and live my life without the constant concern of another me running around. So, thank you to everyone who continues to ask, but no thanks, maybe later.
Speaking of being selfish and seeing the world, the next four months are filled with insanity, which may provide the needed distractions from being in my own head all the time. My birthday is on Thursday. Taylor Swift is on Saturday. Maroon 5 is next week. Then, we leave for New York and Boston. Then, we have a month of normalcy. We just booked our Thanksgiving to Scottsdale / Tuscon to be with the Bruns brothers. Then, we end the year on the Ocean, because cruises are my favorite thing in the entire world. (Except, I’d like to go to Greece next please…) I mean, it’s stressful enough to board dogs for the weeks that we’re gone, I don’t even think Petsmart would let me board a 3 month old. Pass.
Moving right on to my lack of pregnancy body, with my 9 month pregnancy cravings, I cancelled weight watchers. I was eating pretty much the same thing, every single day, and felt like logging it into an app that tells me the same information was pointless. So, I decided to save $20 a month. Except, then my parents came to town, we tried a new Mexican restaurant, and I’ve spent almost three weeks eating it for every single meal. (Yes, like daily. I can’t stop) With that, I’ve gained about three pounds, but I’m still down about thirteen since starting Weight Watchers, which I’ll take. I’d like to be smaller for our Arizona trip and our cruise, and like I’d like to be hot in general, which I am, but like hotter. So, hopefully I can stop eating Mi Hacienda everyday. (5 out of 5 stars, though, Carmel locals)
Where do we go from here? We go up. I honestly have no idea what the rest of this year is going to do in my life, but I’ve been praying a lot, and talking to people, and thinking about myself a little bit more, and I want to succeed. I love my job, I love Indianapolis, I love myself, and I need to continue to work on loving the world around me. I need to take my anxiety (and depression…?) and not let it take me. I’m going to be sharing my yearly “birthday post”, and talking about my butterfly year, and I feel like that’s how 27 needs to be for me. So, from here we go up.
Woofta, this was a doozy. Until next time…