I have anxiety.
Ya’ll know that. It’s nothing that I have ever tried to hide. In the last six-ish weeks though, it’s changing. I mean, I still have anxiety, but my focuses are changing. It’s a weird thing to explain to someone who doesn’t have anxiety. Here I am though, I’m going to try.
Anxiety used to look like this: Dylan’s going to cheat on me, that reflection in the mirror is disgusting, I do not want to go to work, Dylan and I are fighting- again, he’s literally forcing my to watch this on TV- he doesn’t care, Weight Watchers doesn’t work- what is my problem, I am actually hideous, what if I fail at work, what if I don’t get the job I want, what if I’m doing something wrong, I have no money, why am I so broke, my life is a joke, say it louder- MY LIFE IS A JOKE, Dylan hates that we share a car, I can’t eat this for dinner, my chest hurts, my leg hurts, I should check WebMD, remember that allergic reaction last week-You’re going to die whatever you eat from now on, you should fear food, remember when you had disordered eating-at least you looked good, Dylan’s not happy anymore, welp you tried, the dogs literally hate me, everything’s going wrong.
All of that, in my head, at the same time.
I. Was. Miserable. Honestly, I’ve been miserable for a long time.
Then, the weekend that Dylan went to Vegas for work, I decided to change. I decided that I was going to start letting go, little by little. I decided I was going to start thriving, little by little. I’ve been trying, and failing, and trying, and failing, but still trying ever since. There’s been a couple times where I’ve seriously considered getting help. Like the time we went to pick my dad up from the airport, and I was stuck under a bridge, waiting for him to get off the plane, and I had a full on panic attack and had to walk to baggage claim. Those are my lows. Fortunately, there’s been more highs than lows lately.
Here’s how my anxiety looks now: Why do we keep fighting, I look less disgusting, work was busy today, do they like me, why don’t I have many friends, are all my friends mad at me, does my husband love me, do I love me, is everything okay, why is everything okay, why are things good?
So, I mean, my head isn’t filled with thousands of things anymore, just hundreds. I’m finding this weird balance where I’m feeling okay because I have fantastic people to spend nine hours with every single day, and in turn the rest of my life is kind of falling together. (That’s never been a thing before. Like the bulk of my life isn’t stressing me out anymore. So. Weird.) I’ve realized just how important it is to have great co-workers & an amazing boss, because I love going to my job. My anxiety was SO. BAD. where I used to work. So like, it’s not like that anymore and it’s because nine hours fly by like I’m just there for two. I’ve also been finding really solid friendships. Or maybe solid Jess-ships? I don’t know, but having a person here to spend time with, to do girl things with, to vent to has become really important. Other than that, life keeps on trucking, day to day the way it always does. I mean, I’m married so Dylan doesn’t really go anywhere, he’s here during those highs and those lows. All of it. And honestly, even though sometimes things are good, sometimes they’re just not. Weight loss (hard), marriage (a journey), money (broke)… Not everything is always going to be easy. I’m working on controlling the things I can, and eliminating the things I can’t. I just want to be happy, and I’m going to do it.
This year’s going to be filled with so many changes. I’m never, ever, ever going to be able to live my life without anxiety. It’s a part of me, and it’s a part of who I am as a person. I love that anxiety is one of the things that defines me, because it makes me strong to accomplish it, relate-able because others have it, and real because it’s something I’m actually dealing with. Back to the changes though. I’ve begun a spring cleaning of my life, so to speak, and I will without a doubt continue to remove the things that no longer serve me. I mean, I left a job that I hated, so why can’t I leave relationships, hobbies, fears, etc that I also hate? Welcome to the year of accomplishment. ….which started in July, but like, who’s paying attention?
Who am i? This is *New July, New Jen*
So maybe this post isn’t how to change your life. Maybe this post is watch a 26 year old finally take control of all the things that are making her not live her best life, and watch to change them or remove them, so that she’s now living the life she’s always deserved. Shout out to the longest run on sentence in the history of the world. Thanks for reading me basically venting on the internet for attention and validation. You. Are. Not. Alone.