At 3:00pm on Tuesday March 27th- I kind of became unemployed. I wasn’t happy in my current position, because I had a supervisor who wasn’t the best fit in the puzzle that is my life. (Let me be honest- he was a cactus. #prick) I felt lost, and I wanted to leave, so I did. I gave a two week’s notice, applied and interviewed for jobs during that entire two weeks, and am still unemployed, so you can tell how those went.
Here’s the issue that I’m having. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I went to college from 2010 to 2016, did an internship with radio station, got a communications degree, and left with a lot of debt. While I was going to college, all the way up until my first “full time job”, I worked with children. Actually, I wanted to be a teacher at one point, and after working in “short term” child care situations, I decided that it wasn’t for me. So, I got my degree and went straight into radio. I knew it was what I wanted to do when I interned, but it’s a niche career, and you’ve got to get in, if you want to be “in”. When we both worked at iHeart in Des Moines, it was great and it’s honestly, what I wanted to do. Once we left, and moved, there was no longer a position for me in a radio format. My “constant” fall back plan was to go back to the Y, and I was so happy when the job opened up, because I felt like I was called back to do it.
Then, it wasn’t anymore. So here we are.
I spent the greater parts of Tuesday night and Wednesday crying. I was having an identity crisis, and very plainly I’ve lost myself recently. That statement right there, is a very hard thing to recognize, and an even harder thing to put on the internet. According to indeed.com, since November of 2017- I’ve applied for 335 jobs. Three hundred and thirty five jobs. That’s a lot of applications to fill out, and a lot of time spent on not really wanting to do any of it. Weird, right?
Yesterday I posted an Instagram with a condensed version of this blog post. Explaining how I’m fearful that I don’t know what I want to do with my life, and how I don’t know who I really want to be. When I lived at home, I used to be driven to wake up and fill almost 40 hours of work per week, on a bunch of part time jobs, while working out almost two hours a day, balancing friendships, and spending time with my boyfriend. In the last two years, I’ve lost pretty much all of my friendships, can’t get myself to workout, and feel burned after a 40 hour work week. I don’t feel driven anymore, I just feel bleh.
So, 335 jobs sit in the “applied” tab of Indeed.com, and there’s more of ZipRecruiter, and even more on Glassdoor, and at 11:02am, I’m sitting in my bed. There’s been applications that turned into interviews, that I never even showed up for. I felt like I didn’t really want that job, but felt this sense of accomplishment just knowing they were interested in me.
I guess the only thing to do is move… forward?
So while I navigate through where I am in life, and what I want to do with the rest of it, I guess I’m going to have to build on my drive and passion again. I’ve become a little broken and numb, so to speak, to the outside world, and it’s taking away from the things I used to like to do. Right now, I’m just a little bit lost. I’ve had a lot of people reach out to me, thanking me for my honesty. They too, spent months living off of their savings account, or felt like they didn’t know what they wanted to do, or felt like they were in the wrong career and needed to step out. Many people have said that they spent YEARS stuck somewhere, and were terrified of leaving, and that they wished they could do what I did. I’m very honest in saying that I’m scared and I’m lost, but I’m very thankful that I’m not alone.
I don’t know what I’m going to do for the rest of my life. I don’t know where I’m going to work in a month. I don’t know what my hobbies, skills, drive, goals, or passions are anymore. Maybe I need this time off, not just to find a new job, but to re-find myself. It’s all part of a bigger picture, isn’t it?
In closing, If you have a marketing or social media job in the Indianapolis area, I’m your girl. In closing part two, I’d literally just love if this blog could take off so I could “make it”. In closing part three, how do I get myself a reality TV show?