I have perhaps the worst, worst, worst case of body dismorphia known to man, woman, and child. Actually, most of the people I meet have the opposite. Almost like body dismorphia of looking better than they actually look. (lol, but really). Unfortunately for me, I still look in the mirror and feel like I’m at the 256 pounds that I was at when I started…
& like I’ve made abundantly clear. I spent a few years with an eating disorder, as well as a complete obsession with the scale. And with that, my body dismorphia thriveeeeeeeed.
Last week, our sweet little Egyptian staff member named GiGi, said something to me after our work shift about me that blew my mind. I was in my workout clothes, and I said something along the lines of “I have to get to the gym to get rid of this body and get a new one!” Gigi (who once told me my dress would get me sold into trafficking in Egypt), looked at me and said with the most serious face “If I had that body, I’d never say anything mean to myself ever again”.
Now, people (mainly men), have shown interest for my body in the past. I mean, the amount of men that have tried yelling at me out of their car window at the gas station has to have gotten past fifty at this point. And my best friends have told me I’ve been looking good… And other co-workers have told me that I’m looking better…
Never though, has someone said something that has hit me so hard. It was more than just “damn girl, you look good”, it was more of “if I could see that in the mirror, I would love myself and would never worry about how I looked”. Things that I would constantly say when I’d see women on Instagram with “perfect bodies”, were being said about me. ABOUT ME!!!!!
It made me realize that things that I say to myself, are not being said by other people. It made me realize that the way I celebrate pretty girls on the internet, should also be the way I celebrate me. But mainly, and most importantly, it made me realize that I’ve truly been seeing myself wrong for a very long time.
Gigi will never realize the impact of her comment, but I do. Every single day when I look in the mirror, I give myself the affirmations that I spent years ignoring… I am just fine where I am. I am beautiful, strong, and loved. Thank you Gigi, because of you, I love this body every single day, and I know that I don’t need to change anything.