It’s been a long time since I’ve been here. To be honest, I’ve wrestled with ever coming back to this page. The fact of the matter is, I’m in limbo. 2019 was the worst year of my life. On the surface, I played it off like anxiety and depression were ruining my existence. In reality, I was falling out of love with my entire life. I was finding things that should have been easy, super hard. I didn’t want to be myself anymore. So, I had to change.
Since January started, my entire life changed. First, as the world knows- I’ve gotten divorced from Dylan. That in itself has been a roller coaster ride that I didn’t think I’d ever have to take. Second, I lost Ellie. As part of the divorce, Dylan got her. When I tell you that losing her was the single worst thing that’s ever happened to me, I mean it. Watching Daisy’s head snap to look at me when I say “Ellie” is a brokenness I never thought I’d experience. Along with this, I’ve dabbled in days of mental health highs and lows, as the normalcy of an unbalanced brain lives. Right now, I’m unmedicated, partially because I’ve forgotten to take them for a few days, and another part because they made me so tired for an entire week, I could barely function.
I’ve also been pretty strict with the gym, losing 20 pounds in the first two months, gaining some back during the global pandemic, and then going back down a few pounds since the reopening of the gym. On top of that, I’ve partnered with a plastic surgery office in Indy, and got a procedure done, which will make it’s way to the blog in due time.
I’ve found myself living with a fire inside of me, that truly hasn’t been lit in years, and I have this weird zest for life that I can’t explain. Yesterday I posted my butt on the internet, because self confidence has come from somewhere deep inside of me, and I didn’t even know that it existed. I’m reaching to out people I haven’t talked to in YEARS and rehashing moments where we peed our pants from laughter, and have re-established this grown up version of our friendships. I’m making plans to go home to Minnesota, and go to new places (because Hawaii flights were CHEAP) with my friends, and I’m planning a solo trip right now. I’m moving in with one of my best friends, and I’m laughing a lot more, and I just feel alive.
I’m just living in this little bubble of contentment, where Harper and Daisy have become my sidekicks (and thankfully the transition of losing El and gaining Harper has gone seemingly smooth). At first, with my divorce, I thought I needed to jump on dating apps, and quickly realized that my time doesn’t need to be spent on dating apps or trying to find the “right man”… I have a really really solid girl gang which kind of makes me want to throw up because I’ve NEVER had five female friends in my life and now I just like have friends. Luckily, I have three really good jobs (though I’d love to still be getting unemployment) which have saved my mental health by being busy, instead of bored. I wake up everyday just genuinely okay. It’s okay to finally feel okay. It’s weird though, yo, having life be this good.
All of these things are going so well, and it’s so hard to be happy and living my best life, when it seems like the entire planet is slowly falling apart. Watching people fall into these depression and anxiety holes, from being stuck inside, to protect themselves from a pandemic is hard. Watching people disappear in “real life”, to become “screen” versions of themselves is also hard. Corona really took out a lot of people I love, and NONE of them were actually infected. Along with that, America is living in this civil unrest, and spewing injustice on frankly the only type of man I like, and it’s created quite the divide between me and some people that I thought I knew. This is 100% not about me, and it can’t ever be about me, and watching men I care about say things like “I just want to tell you that you mean a lot to me, because I’m actually nervous that something could happen” is pretty heart wrenching to be around.
2020 has been an extreme year for me. I want to say I’m running on some of the best moments of my life recently, but I don’t want it to be lost, that I’m an ally for those living their worst moments. It doesn’t matter if it’s mental health related, part of the world’s current injustice, fear in general, or a combination of the million other things that are going on. I’m here for you, and I hear you. So many people held my hands and led me out of the darkness that was 2019, and I will do the same for all of you. We will get through 2020 together.