The long awaited post is here. The post that people literally have been DM-ing me about completing. This is my journey with Lexapro, my first attempty at medication for my anxiety.
I have a lot of posts about the good with Lexapro, and feeling strong, but more recently, the posts about the bad. You see, I thought Lexapro was going to heal me. I let all my decisions be based off a medication, as if, my days wouldn’t work correctly without that little white pill.
I used it to my advantage. On days I didn’t take it, I’d say “it’s a down day, I need to lay in bed all day FOR SURE. Also, stressing out is fine because I didn’t take my Lexapro. On days when I’d overeat, I’d blame Lexapro. When I was a psychopath, I blamed Lexapro. When I cried for nine hours at work, I’d blame Lexapro.
After six months, I realized that all of the blame I was putting on Lexapro, was valid. Lexapro wasn’t working for me, and it wasn’t balancing me, and it wasn’t helping me. Well, I mean, it did help me. It helped me gain weight, it helped me lose myself, and it helped me feel like I was rock bottom. A rock bottom that was lower than BEFORE the Lexapro existed in my system.
So I made a doctor’s appointment after much inner-debate.
The doctor and I talked about how I was right, and my body was correct, and LEXAPRO WAS NOT DOING WELL FOR MY LIFE. They told me immediately that the side effects, while they exist, should not have all been existing in my system at the same time. They also said that the typical “burn out”, that you can experience with prescription medication, was NOT what I was going through. They said that Lexapro wasn’t balancing my brain, at all, and that I needed to quit it immediately.
We talked about how I was feeling lower than I did prior to taking it, and they said that depression is a normally unmentioned side effect of anxiety medication. Did you know that? Your medication made to make you feel better can actually make you feel worse.
I told them I was done. I didn’t want anything to take everyday. I didn’t want to rely on anything that threw me to rock bottom. I didn’t want to gain weight anymore. I didn’t want any of it. So, they suggested a medication that I could take only when I really needed it.
They prescribed Xanax.
Let me be honest for a quick second. The first thing I said when they told me they wanted to give me Xanax was “why do rappers sing about it? I don’t know if I can become Drake”. The doctor left the room. She brought another doctor back with her. Apparently, you can mix Xanax with things and it’ll be something Drake wants to sing about. The doctor told me not to Google it. On that note, I’ve never seen a doctor belly laugh in a patients face before. They thought I was pure comedy, and let’s be honest, I am.
So, I have Xanax now. I haven’t taken any yet. In fact, I’m 15 days medication free. And I’m surviving. Actually, in reality, I’m thriving. I’ve gone through two of the most difficult weeks of work, ever. I didn’t turn to food. I didn’t turn to medication. I didn’t turn to anything but my own strength. There were two times at work where I really almost hit the limit. Luckily, I had people there to talk me down and remind me how strong I am.
And I survived. No medication. No rock bottom. I’m killing it.
Has anyone else ever had to go off of their anxiety medication? Did you switch to something else or did you quit?
And, as a reminder, like always: You are not alone, and I am always here to listen. Happy Saturday.