We’re 1/3 of the way through 2019, and while blogging has seemingly taken a back-burner on my day-to-day life, I have had about seven people reach out to me in the last week asking where I’ve been, if I’m okay, why do I seem distant on the internet or some variation of that, and I figured- for my own sake, I’d address it.
What I mean by that, is that by addressing this on my personal public forum, I will give myself something to look back on, because I’m about to get super real: thing are not going well for me right now.
I’ve posted a lot of “self love” focused posts on social media, along with a bunch of paid Instagram advertisements, and a little travel, to conceal my “real life” by only showing you my “internet life”. Along with that, though, I’ve become more scarce on the internet, and I feel like I’ve finally figured out why. I’m not myself right now, not. at. all.
Now, let me preface this post by saying, I still love Jen Salisbury. Those self-love focused Instagram captions are who I am, and at any size, any weight, any mental state, I still thoroughly love who I am. I finally feel like at 27, I am at a place to say it and mean it. There is no absence of feeling whole within myself, but in the same respect, things are not right.
How does that even make sense?
Trust me, it’s even harder to decipher when it’s inside you, than when you’re trying to understand it in someone else. Here’s what I can say about what’s been going on with me in the past eight-ish months.
I started taking Lexapro for my anxiety in September. It was the balance that my brain needed. Check any of my posts around that time. Almost immediately, it was sunshine and rainbows, and things really felt good. I’m on a very low dose of it, but I literally had never felt better and I was so happy that I found something to heal me. After a couple months though, the side effects of an anti-depressant kicked in.
These side effects have demolishing me.
I’ve gained almost thirty pounds since beginning Lexapro. At first I thought it was that “normal” weight-gain that would happen every fall and winter, but as spring is here and summer is approaching, it’s not changing. Actually, it’s getting worse. My clothes don’t fit, my body is tired, and so is my mind. I try to eat healthy, and by the end of the week, I’m a slave to food, not using it to nourish my body, but feed my anxiety. I workout hard, but after a solid stretch of pushing myself, my body pushes me to quit and I create excuses to hide. It’s so disheartening to see no change, and it only further fuels the failure in my head.
Along with this, I’m on this spectrum of extreme fatigue or extremely awake, and it’s never when I want it to be. I spent most of my vacation to New York, Philly, and Baltimore napping. I couldn’t keep up when walking from place to place because my body wasn’t able to carry the weight I had on me, and I felt like I hadn’t slept in weeks. I get eight hours of sleep a night, and somedays, it doesn’t feel like enough. I’ll also wake up in the middle of the night, but not fully wake up, so it’s hours of tossing and turning and being uncomfortable in my skin. (I have been tested for my thyroid, so I know that those numbers are normal, and that isn’t contributing to my weight loss or my fatigue)
Along with this, my future seems uncertain, according to my head. That’s a dose of REALISM that bloggers do not share with you. Some days, I get dressed for work and go to my job with my skin crawling, because my mind is so lost. It’s like, I take this little white pill everyday, and instead of substituting the darkness with light, like it used to do, it not takes the dark and just makes everything hazy. I walk around in a fog, just trying to make the world believe that I feel okay. Today though, I snapped, I can’t pretend anymore.
I also have pushed most of my relationships out of my life, because to be honest, I feel drained battling the relationship with myself and don’t always feel like I can give anything extra to others. Along with that, I’ve picked up two other part time jobs, because money has been tight and I got some really terrible school loan news, so I’m just trying to stay afloat in all of these rough seas. I’ve honestly not been this busy in years, and while the extra income, constant busyness, and all the movement is great, my body just feels lost and tired, while the world keeps spinning around me.
When I’m not working, I’m a recluse. I don’t spend time at home with anyone but myself. I don’t make connections with the people in the world, because it feels like forcing relationships is going to further hurt me. I mindlessly scroll on the internet, mindlessly sit through Nextflix shows, midlessly escape the world as much as I can, because I don’t know what else to do.
Now, while all of this internal battle is happening, I do actually feel like I’ve finally gotten a little bit of a grasp on how I portray myself to the outside world. I haven’t cried at work since probably March. (A whole 24 days) When things aren’t going well, in any aspect, I’ve found a way to keep my own strength and let things roll off my back that I can’t control. (That is a constant battle, but I’m working so hard on it) I’ve learned how to “fake it until I make it”, or at least show people that they affect me less than I previously would. I’m finding the ability to stand up for how my heart feels, and make decisions for me, instead of putting everyone else first. So while I’m metaphorically drowning, at least the littlest pieces of my lifeboat have become the strongest ones keeping me semi-afloat.
So, where do we go from here? I basically vomited thirty paragraphs worth of a dumpster fire inside of my mind on you, and now you’re probably concerned for my safety.
I’ve made the dreaded “I need help” doctor’s appointment, and to be honest, I’m hoping they take me of Lexapro completely. I know that those withdrawals may be killer, but I’m sick of living in a fog.
So, there you have it.
Even those who you think are living normal, everyday, pretty fantastic lives because they have 10,000 Instagram followers, and only show you the best parts of their world, can be struggling.
Hopefully, the other 2/3 of this year look a little differently for me, and maybe you too. As always, a reminder that we don’t have to do this alone. If you need someone to vent to, I’ll listen (even if I take some time to respond), and asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak. We are in it together.