I hate Christmas.
Let’s start with that. I hate the lights on houses, the trees inside, presents are pointless, and honestly the music makes me want to rip my ears off. I’ve been like this pretty much as long as I remember. I’ve never had a terrible Christmas experience, no one died, nothing crazy happened to make me dislike the holiday, yet I’m so over it by about November 2nd, that’s it’s not even funny.
I guess the problem isn’t just Christmas though. I hate all the holidays. I’m full Grinch, 365 days a year. Buckle up for this blast of a blog post, hope it makes you laugh!
New Year’s Eve is the worst excuse to get drunk, dress up, and be out late ever. There is no worse combination of things. You’re telling me I should be putting on something that sparkles and is tight, while paying hundreds of dollars to stand around in a room until midnight? Hardest of passes.
Valentine’s day makes me want to vomit. It’s literally people proving that they aren’t lonely on the internet. If they are lonely, it’s thousands of scorned women talking about buying themselves that damn heart shaped Domino’s pizza and flowers because #selfworth.
The Fourth of July is okay. I’m not a fan of the whole “let’s stand outside for sixteen hours” part, but I can get behind the whole “drink beer for our Country” thing. I love fireworks and summer weather, so there’s been worse holidays (all of them).
Easter is simply just every single white girls posting their yearly bible verse on their Facebook wall, so people can remember that while she nurses hangovers on the other 51 Sundays of the year, on this one- she loves Jesus. The whole egg hunt thing is really just another reason for America’s economy to sell candy, which I’ll stand behind, but I hate coloring eggs.
Halloween can take several laps, it’s the second worst day of the year. I can not deal with every costume for the twenty something female needing to involve fishnet stockings. Being scared has never been a fun time, so why do we devote an entire season to it? I do not tolerate Halloween well, and part of the problem is I hate the entire fall season, so it’s just useless to me. Pumpkin spice, boots with leggings, and pretending that maroon is your aesthetic is overplayed, then topping it off with some fishnets and cat ears just sends me over the edge.
The only holiday that I particularly tolerate is Thanksgiving, and only as a consumer. I don’t cook, so the thought of pulling the neck out of a turkey’s asshole stresses me out. I hate stuffing and dressing, and think that it should be banned by the CDC. Personally, I’d swim in gravy, so I’m really behind the trend of slathering it on everything within a four miles radius for one day only. Also, I’m a huge female, so clearly eating is a hobby. But that’s it. Afterwards, just let me nap and leave me alone until next November.
While all the holidays are annoying, Christmas is the worst. People stand around in a kitchen and pretend that they aren’t miserable for the other 364 days of the year, putting on this fake smile but in all honesty no one likes cousin Kyle or his girlfriend Rylee with two e’s. We all know that your 96 year old Great-Grandma called you fat, aunt Shirley asked why you’re still not married, and Steven stills asks you to pull his finger. You ask for an array for presents, and have to hide the disappointment when you don’t get what you want, but can’t tell anyone because of course you’re fake happy because it’s Christmas and the house smells like a Fir tree. What a waste of time, I’d rather we just all went bowling and drank a pitcher of beer instead of listening to Frank talk about that time he was almost a pitcher for the Chicago White Sox.
Okay, rant over. I’m the Grinch. When you look at it though, he’s a man who likes his dog, not wearing pants and being alone- so if you didn’t understand me at the core before, you do now. And while I shit all over these holidays, I want to make it clear that I love my family, and my parents were not mean to me as a child (HAHA). I just don’t feel like it’s necessary to take one day every couple of months and pretend that things are twinkle lights and sugar cookies, because we all know that our lives are all falling apart. We’re in our twenties, after all…