This is going to be so hard to talk about.
I am twenty six years old, and ten-ish months, and I can with 100% confidence that I have never actually loved myself or felt beautiful. Ever. In my life. Not once.
Like, not on my wedding day. Not on the day I got engaged. Not when I was at my lowest weight of 148 pounds. Not ever.
I went through high school feeling content. Being the “big girl” was just who I was. I spent my whole weight loss journey for about three years, definitely NOT content, because I always felt like I could be skinnier. (And even when I got skinnier, I wasn’t good enough. I was SO uncomfortable in my own skin) When I got bigger, after not getting skinnier, I definitely didn’t feel beautiful. Then, when I went through the last three-ish years of my life outside of my lime green bedroom at my parents house, I felt even uglier than I ever had, because my anxiety found it’s way into my life and ruined every thought in my head.
Like, I’m saying to you with certainty, that even on this blog I’ve never felt beautiful. I’m very careful to post things honestly on here. Things like “I feel okay today” or “I felt like I looked semi-cute”, in an attempt to kind of compliment myself, but not really. Since about June 1st though, of this year, and really since July 1st, I’ve felt so different.
For the first time in my life, I feel really good about myself.
I don’t think it’s growing up, or any of that. I don’t think it has to do with loving my job, my relationships, my anxiety, or really any of that at all. I think it’s just that for the first time this month, I’ve started looking in the mirror and seeing more good things than bad. And you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to point out every single one of those things to you today. And then, you know what YOU are going to do? You’re going to grab your iPhone, open the Notes app, and do the exact same thing about yourself. Then, you’re going to save that note, and after you eat tacos and margaritas and feel like a piece of shit, because we always do, you can open that note and appreciate yourself again.
So, here’s my list.
I love my skin complexion. This is number one on my list because so many people struggle with clear skin, or spend time concealing their skin so it doesn’t show. In tenth grade, I wore foundation. I hated it. It lasted maybe three months, and that was it. Other than that, I’ve never worn face makeup. No concealer, foundation, highlight, and other creams and powders that I don’t even know the names of. I’ve been so disgustingly blessed with clear skin for my entire life, it’s not even funny. If I get a pre-PMS pimple, it lasts a maximum of 48 hours, and then leaves my face. Hello, God, can you hear me? Thank you for blessing my skin.
I love my big eyes. They are big, and I get told often that they are pretty by strangers or others. Normally, I feel like that giant-eyed little Monkey, but in reality, they are pretty.
I love my collarbones. It’s weird, I know. But growing up as a big girl, I never had collarbones that were showing. So once I lost weight, they started sticking out a bit. I mean, it shouldn’t have been the way I measured my pretty, but it was and it still is, and I loveeeee them.
I love my thighs. Ya’ll, they’re huge. They are not small at all, but like they serve a purpose. First off, my legs are really strong. I’ve always had strong legs, so get it girl. But like, secondly and more importantly, they hold up the booty. Which, I guess goes to the next thing I love about myself.
I love the booty, ya’ll. My biggest fear in life, physically, is for my butt to shrink. That’s so digustingly millennial that I could PUKE, but come on, you gotta respect that my little waist and big ol’ booty is in style finally.
I love my curves? I mean, maybe this would have been more PC than saying “thighs and booty” but like it’s TRUE. I love being curvy and having the body I do, I just haven’t ever really taken the time to appreciate it.
I’m sure there’s more things about my body that I love, but these are the ones that I see and think about more often than not. Along with this, I put on clothes from stores without trying them on and feel pretty again because they FIT. I put pictures of myself on the internet in swimsuits. I look at my reflection in mirrors, buildings, store windows, etc and don’t hate what I see. I like getting dressed for work. I just feel pretty. Finally.
And to add to the bottom of this post, I just want to talk about something that we did at work. So one day we got on the topic of what the “perfect body” was to men. Apparently, science or psychology figured out that a man’s perfect woman has a waist to hip ratio of .70. So basically, your waist is 70% of your hips? I think? Denise knows all the smart things behind it, but basically this perfect body is more fertile to men, and makes them think you’re an angel on earth… or something…. So, you take the inches of your waist and divide it by the inches of your hips, and whatever number that is, is your body ratio? Me? Oh, just a casual .72. POINT. SEVEN. TWO. I am .02 away from a man’s ideal woman, so let that sink in (I say to myself to convince myself all my curves and all my edges are my perfect imperfections)(yes, cue John Legend song)(Okay, enough bragging about being not ugly)… So, yeah, I pretty much just wanted to tell the world that, so someday when I feel like I’m too lumpy, I can tell myself that pretty much every single man on this planet wants me. But ladies, we don’t dress or use our bodies for men, we dress and have our bodies for ourselves.
Go write your lists ladies and gentlemen, what do YOU love about YOU!?