This Is Bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

I have a story to tell you.

(*If you’re a nurse, doctor, or generally good at all things health, please let me know if I am dying and if you feel like a trip to the emergency room is in order. Unfortunately, I’m unemployed right now, and you know, health insurance is like a suuuuuuuper big deal when you’re sick, so…)

Buckle up, because here we go.

On February 16th or 17th, I started Weight Watchers. We went to Meijer and bought a whole bunch of healthy food, I was doing great, and I started to love fruits and vegetables. On February 21st, I had my yearly physical. My numbers came back on my blood test a little wonky, but they felt like I could retest in a month, so after panicking for one day, I let it go. On Friday, February 26th- I fell ill. I was convinced that I had the flu & had to stay home from work. I waited until March 1st before I stayed home. Facebook told me that it was not the flu, and that I should go in and get a strep test. It was negative. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, but I definitely knew that I felt like death.

For over two weeks, every single day I was getting stomach aches. These weren’t the typical “oh, ew, I’m going to be sick” stomach aches. These weren’t even the typical “it’s my period cramps” stomach aches. These were debilitating. I would stand hunched over as a wave of pain would pass, I couldn’t breathe, I felt like death. Then, I’d breathe again, have two minutes of resolve, until I’d get hit with another wave of pain. When it started, it lasted for 4 or 5 hours. When I got to the end, it was lasting 8ish.

I’d have to sit on the floor of my office at work, in the fetal position, considering walking out on my job because I didn’t think I could face the children with these pains. I didn’t know what it was.

I started Googling.

I was trying to match my symptoms to anything online. I came up with gallbladder problems, stomach ulcers, and allergies to fruits. 

I called my mom daily. “I lose my health insurance in 20, 14, 10, 6, 2 days, do I go in?” I was terrified that my ulcer, gallbladder, or some weird allergy was going to leave me unable to live. I was scared. I was living inside my body where I was always sick.

On March 23rd, I started noticing trends. The weekend that I went to Chicago, I didn’t have any stomach aches. The first weekend on Weight Watchers, and before that, I didn’t have stomach aches. That Friday, the 23rd, I got to work and went to the office. I had packed two bananas and a ziploc bag full of grapes from home, and peeled those two bananas, excited that they were Weight Watchers 0 points foods. Ate them quickly, because I only had thirty minutes before the kids were coming. After about 20 minutes, I was in the fetal position in pain, thinking I was going to die.

I spent a lot of time on Google, researching stomach ulcers, researching gallbladder removal surgery, researching latex allergies, which linked to a lot of the fruits that I was eating (and symptoms that I was feeling after I’d eat those fruits). Still, I just didn’t know what was wrong with me. I went grocery shopping the next day, and didn’t buy bananas. There was a quarter watermelon that was on sale, due to it expiring in two days, and figured “0 points, a great snack” and took it home. I ate it that night, around 8:00pm, and went to bed a couple hours later. I had my worst attack that I’ve ever had, and spent 10:00pm-2:00am on the bathroom floor. I cried, I tried to puke, I laid, I finally drank Pepto Bismol straight from the bottle and waited to feel better. It took another hour, but I finally went to bed.

Since then, I’ve cut fruit out of my diet. I haven’t had any stomach aches that have had me in that pain since. Not once.

I still don’t know what is wrong with me. 

I’ve eaten chips and nachos. I’ve eaten pretzels with cheese. I’ve eaten green beans, black beans, refried beans, and corn. I’ve eaten salsa, quesadillas, graham crackers, cheese, popcorn, and more and more and more. I have not had any stomach aches. I stopped eating fruit, and will continue to keep it out of my diet (what the hell you bitches, because fruit is zero points on weight watchers) until I know what’s wrong. (who can’t eat fruits?)

It could be a stomach ulcer, or gallbladder problems, and the acids in fruits could be interrupting and irritating it. It could be that latex allergy, making all melons and fruits irritating to my soul. There’s a lot of people on the internet, in forums who have these symptoms, that relate to me. (Which, thank god- because normally I have some crazy form of WebMD cancer where I should already be dead) Someday, I’ll figure it out. (When that health insurance kicks back in) Today, I’ll just eat nachos and make sure to stay away from healthy food. 

Only me, right?

But for real, has this happened to anyone else? How did it resolve? Am I dying? Are you more normal than me and you feel better about your problems after reading about how I’m the biggest hot mess in the world? Happy day to you then!

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