I couldn’t decide, and it ruined everything…
“She’s Indecisive…She Can’t Decide” – Sean Kingston “Eenie Meenie” circa 2010. It was the end of the year, and I felt like I was so motivated to create a bunch of resolutions, go with this “word” of the year, run around and kill all these goals, and be the best version of myself, that I didn’t really THINK about what I was setting. If you didn’t read my original New Year’s Resolutions post, or my “Word” for the year post, you can read them below.
While I still want to respect the list I’ve created, and definitely want to move forward with that word, I’ve realized something: My resolutions and my word of the year is rooted in something very specific, fear. Crazy, right? Jen makes a blanket statement on the internet and wants to go back and change everything? Shocked! Not. I’d like the chance to explain what my resolutions are missing, and how I plan to crush 2018, differently.
I want to lose 20 pounds because I’m afraid of looking different than I did when I was “in my prime” of 2014. Granted, I lived at home, spent over two hours daily in the gym, ate very little, and didn’t work full time. I have a lot more working against me now, and my entire brain struggles with even liking myself sometimes… I’m afraid to be overweight, because I don’t like myself when I don’t feel like I look good. Woofta, breath of fresh air. So, that’s where Resolution #1 came from.
I’m afraid of my brain, as you can see above, and that is a lot of the reason why anxiety lives inside of me. You don’t understand unless you have it, but anxiety creates a lot of fear, about totally rational things that you shouldn’t fear. That’s resolution #2, and my new resolution is going to knock the socks off my anxiety.
Resolutions #3-5 were created because, like I said before I rushed my resolutions and to be frank having five resolutions definitely made it seem like I had my shit together. So I tried to figure out three more “things” that I needed to do, so I seemed “well rounded” this year, but s.c.r.e.w. t.h.a.t. So, what’s next?
It’s time to thrive.
I’m going right into my word of the year, and the root of my “first” resolutions and kicking them in the face. This year, I’m gonna thrive by facing my fears. All of them. I “technically” started doing this a few days before the new year, but this is what I need. My anxiety was my big ol’ “You suck” from both 2016 AND 2017, and this year it’s taking a big old lap as I Nike (just do it) everything that I would have never done before.
So… What have I done?
Well, I started it off by holding a big giant yellow snake. Go find me on Facebook, this thing literally looked me in my eyes and told me it wanted to eat me. I also held a tarantula, which Dylan is not okay with. After that, I stood in front of about 40 children and ate a cricket. Yes, it tasted like sour cream and onion (actually just like the potato chips). Yes, I would totally do it again.
Last weekend in Chicago, I went up in the John Hancock building and did The Tilt. Do you know what that is? It’s a glass box that puts you looking directly at the ground. Let’s say this, there’s only a glass window between you and the street below. It throws you out over the building, so even if you wanted to, you wouldn’t be able to be back inside until it was over. Terrifying. After that, we ate lunch at Ditka’s because Dylan’s a princess and loves himself a steak from “The Coach’s” restaurant. I ate squid there, and that’s one thing that will never go back into my mouth. Not that it tastes horrible, but that gooey squishy tentacle in my mouth made me want to die. But I did it.
What’s next? Well, something will be changing very soon, and it’s something that I’ve contemplated for years. Something I would never have thought about doing because I hate things that seem permanent, but face those fears girl.
I plan on continuing with my weight loss, because home girl wants to be thick, but not too thick. & weight gain is a fear, so I don’t plan on stopping that, but my other resolutions just are going to need to take a back seat this year while I work on tackling that anxiety by doing everything I never wanted to do. Bring it on fears.