Forever Lead By My Heart

The nerves are setting in…

For the last twenty-four hours, my heart and my head have been in an all out war. My head knows that two additional weeks of work, in a job that I know I have is a good idea. My heart wants to take that jump into something new and just go for it. My whole existence is just falling apart over it.

Listen, I’m in a pretty stressful job. This stress lately though is nothing compared to the amount of stress my life has been going through this week. I’m on a roller coaster, and I want to get off. Indianapolis has plenty of jobs open, but they’re not this job, and they’re not in radio, and that just makes me feel like a failure. Alongside the fact that I’m a big, giant, promotional failure, I can’t afford to be a part of the Indy job market. Dylan got a raise. Jen’s been looking through piles of jobs to be told time & time again that my lack of experience equates to a two or three thousand dollar pay cut. A pay cut that can’t pay my rent, can’t help me buy the car I need- due to not working with my husband, and can’t help me pay for my school loans. Align the current job market with the fact that I still wish our U-Haul was taking us in another direction, leads me to feel a whole big heaping on “not okay”.

Before I get the back handed comments on another life thing taking place, let me address it here. We leave for Disney World in fifty days. Sure, we could skip the pre-paid Disney trip, we could have saved the $200.00 we just paid on plane tickets, and we could have saved money, but I’m young and irresponsible and I don’t want to hear about it. No, but in reality, this trip was paid- except for the tickets from Indy which we had to purchase yesterday, and our ticket purchase for two round trip tickets was less than one ticket from Des Moines. Unfortunately for us, we had to eat the price of the Des Moines tickets, and we had to add an extra day of flying, but I need to go. I need that magic in my life. (This was so unnecessary to even type out, but I felt better proving something to myself?)

Let’s point out that our Disney World tickets were the first order of business though…

Priorities. So back to the inside of my head… What would you do? I keep asking that to Dylan, who’s been going through a giant helping of stress himself, and most of the time he doesn’t even respond to me. Which, communication is key, so he’s doing fantastic.

*Please note, the above part was written on Wednesday October, 18th. Below, you will see the remainder of the thoughts inside my head…*

…So, I did it.

No one told me what I was supposed to do when your husband got a new job and you have to leave your old one. So I bucked up and did it when we moved to Lincoln, and again when we moved to Des Moines, and apparently again when we move to Indy. I had the option to get one more paycheck and stay an additional couple of weeks. I took that option initially, and felt like staying would be a great option. In the span of 24 hours, and in the course of 7 potential future interviews, the decision became harder. Enlisting in Chelsie has been pretty much the only driving force to my decision, because we think alike. We love money, we know what the other one really wants us to say, but we don’t give in to either of those things. As I write this though, I’m kind of emotional. We’ve been playing “long distance best friend” for two years, but the whole thought of having a plane ride between us sucks.

Anywho, enough of the dramatics, I’m moving to Indy with Dylan. I sat down at work, and cried explained to them how I felt, how I was afraid, but ultimately how I knew that taking this leap was the right choice. Right now, I feel like I’m free falling. There’s a light, and I’m traveling to the end of my employment tunnel, hoping to God that somewhere during this fall a net catches me.

It took fifty unanswered conversations with my husband, a few less with my coworkers, and one with my best friend to realize

I always end up following my heart.

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